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Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Subject:I'm related to people I don't relate to
Time:7:48 pm.
I have maybe three relatives who I feel like I actually have something in common with.
You know the scene in Fight Club where Edward Norton smashes the shit out of Jared Leto's face? I feel like that a lot.
My brother was an abusive piece of shit for the first 20 years of my life and is the reason for a lot of my psychological and emotional damage, but he has a kid and is better now so I'm not supposed to be pissed at him anymore. I still am sometimes.
I have anger management problems and sometimes I get so mad that I can't help slapping myself in the face until it feels warm for a half hour afterward
I think socialism is a great idea and I wish moron conservatives weren't so afraid of it
Ditto gay marriage
Anyone who is against gay marriage loses my respect
Part of the reason why I'm taking Maureen's last name is that I don't want to be a Lavieri anymore
I don't give a shit if people want abortions but if they aren't legal then they will also no longer be safe
I've lived in the United States all my life and I don't see what all the fuss is about
A big part of that is because of our stupid fucking obsession with babies and procreation
Another big part of it is that Christians have done a FUCKLOAD of stuff way way way way way worse than 9/11 but for some reason Americans are afraid of Muslims

Sooooo that's Carmine.
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Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Time:8:39 pm.
I only post in my livejournal when I feel like a failure.

I am posting in my livejournal.
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Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Time:5:20 pm.
bigmouthinacoma: What's some of the music you listen to to try and savor a shitty mood?
MegamiWillow: I don't really do that much anymore

Well that pretty much says it all doesn't it?
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Time:4:33 pm.
Guys I'm a 25 year old college graduate and I work part time at Target. I also substitute teach but I work too much at Target to be able to sub as much as I'd like. So basically, a retail job that pays $8.75/hour is precluding me from working at a far more career-orientated job for which I would be making about $12/hour.

I feel kind of trapped. Like, no matter what I do or how hard I try I'll probably just end up staying at Target because what else am I gonna do? I'm not really qualified for much else and lord knows I'm not really good at anything else.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I'm actually good at anything lately and the more I think about it the more I realize that I'm OK at some stuff, kinda good at other stuff and really good at a few things. But the things I'm really good at are useless skills for which there is literally zero market. I take history classes but I don't actually KNOW anything about history and it makes me feel fucking pathetic.

Basically I've majored in being a shitty artist, being a shitty actor, and being a shitty historian. I got good grades but I didn't actually get good at DOING anything.

And it doesn't help when all my friends on facebook are gushing about their awesome jobs and new houses and how SUPER NEAT THEIR LIVES ARE.

Maybe I'm bitter but fuck you you'd be bitter too.
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Monday, August 24th, 2009

Time:3:51 pm.
On facebook, whenever I mention how I don't make enough money or anything along those lines, at least one of my relatives asks me what my job is and I just ignore it because I'm too embarrassed to answer them.
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Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Time:11:42 pm.
This was a good weekend.

Laugh with Purpose was Friday and I did some standup again which was great.
Then Saturday I did like nothing.
Then Sunday I went out to dinner with Maureen, we got engaged, and then the Red Sox won.

Like I said, good weekend.
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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

Time:11:23 pm.
Sometimes I feel like I'm getting too old for this shit. Like, I still live a very college life even though I'm all old and graduated. I hang out in Keith's dorm sometimes and I'm definitely in a very different place in my life than those guys. It makes me feel old.

And then Unchained Melody comes on and it reminds me of Maureen and I remember that yeah I'm getting older but damn the perks are nice.

I like that I don't compulsively quote Fight Club anymore.
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Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Time:12:15 pm.
I went to the grocery store at like 11 last night and it's the absolute best time to go shopping because that's when there are the absolute fewest other people in the store. None of that EXCUSE ME YOU'RE STANDING BETWEEN ME AND THE POP TARTS crap, no having to pretend to like people I don't know (which is basically what politeness is), and no chance of happening across someone I know but have NO interest in talking to.

I seriously seriously hate public places and I'm only just now coming to realize it. Maureen and I actually got into a fight about this at the mall because I said something about this whole KISS ME I'M IRISH I'M A DRINKER NOT A FIGHTER thing being commercialized and trendy, which it is. Embracing your ethnic/cultural identity is one thing but there are a lot of people who are all YAY IRISH YAY who wouldn't know Michael Collins from Michael Jackson, and that's a problem. I try to boycott St. Patrick's Day as much as possible because a. I'm not Irish so who cares b. I'm not Catholic so again who cares and c. It's a stupid fucking holiday. If the idea of it was still about some super awesome Irish guy who did some super awesome shit that'd be fine but it's not. Not in the US anyway. Around here it's about saying HEY LOOKIT ME I'M FUCKIN' IRISH or I'M NOT IRISH BUT EVERYONE'S IRISH ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY! Which is a meaningless sentiment. And kind of prejudicial if you think about it. The implication is that you need to be Irish to enjoy St. Patrick's Day and the way to "be Irish" is to get silly drunk. And for some reason we find this OK but what if on Martin Luther King Day we all sat around eating watermelon and fried chicken?

Not that it really matters because no matter what I say every March I'm going to think these same thoughts and nothing is going to change. I'm not saying people should stop being proud of being Irish (although pride would imply some sort of accomplishment and sorry, but being born Irish is not that impressive to me), but stop oversimplifying it to the point of GET SHITFACED AND PUKE GREEN. Maybe it's the pedagogue in me but I kind of think that we should use St. Patrick's Day to learn about Irish history because that shit is highly interesting. We kind of have the same problem with MLK day in that we just kind of say "Oh well racism used to be problem but then this guy came along and everything is ok now." Little kids should be learning actual stuff about the civil rights movement but more to the point they should be learning about how we're still a long way away from the Dream coming true. And hey, don't get me wrong we've come a long way. I still get goosebumps when I remember that we have a black president, but intolerance is still very fucking real.

I've wandered a bit from my original point but regardless I still hate public places. I also hate St. Patrick's Day but not Irish people so I think we're still OK.
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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Time:10:52 pm.
Seth Rogen is funny and all but god damn can that guy act.

Seriously if the sex scene from Watchmen had half as much romance (or even lust) in it as the one in Zack and Miri Make a Porno, people wouldn't be panning it and saying it was the one thing that ruined an otherwise great movie.

P.S. sex scene notwithstanding Watchmen was awesome, but Zack and Miri was better.
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Friday, March 6th, 2009

Time:2:16 am.
I'm listening to Nine Inch Nails right now and even though the music is really good, I'm glad I'm not this angry anymore.

Ah, holy shit I bought this album like ten years ago and Happiness in Slavery is still one of the best songs ever. I'm really glad that even though I was really into the whole ANGRY TEENAGER MUSIC thing, the only band I was really really into during that phase was Nine Inch Nails. God help me if I became a lifelong Slipknot fan.

i don't know what i am i don't know where i've been human junk just words and so much skin stick my hands through the cage of this endless routine just some flesh caught in this big broken machine

I definitely used to spend entire class periods in high school writing Nine Inch Nails lyrics in the margins of my notebooks. But now I'm 24 years old and i dunno, it just seems silly. I mean, those are some trite fucking sentiments I just typed. But it's worth noting that I did, in fact, type them all from memory.

But again, I'm glad I'm not this angry anymore. Time was I would listen to Nine Inch Nails and think YEAH I FEEL THIS WAY TOO TRENT LET'S TALK ABOUT IT! The music was a soundtrack to my adolescent years. Now it reminds me of BioShock. Seriously, listen to the beginning of Reptile off of the Downward Spiral and picture BioShock. It fits perfectly and I can't be the only one who feels that way.

Music is this interesting little thing. At any given moment the music I was listening to sums up what my life is really like. To wit:

Age 14-David Bowie and the Cure. Still weird and shocking but in a more androgynous sort of way. Sometimes humorous but still kind of melancholy in tone.
Ages 15-17-Nine Inch Nails. I'M ANGRY AND CHICKS DON'T LIKE ME. And yeah my parents still hate the music but at least that's not why I'm listening to it.
Ages 18-19-Interpol, White Stripes, Postal Service-This was the age at which I discovered that scene chicks were hot.

And so on. But now at age 24 the songs I actually listen to and find myself relating to are love songs by the Beatles. Yes, other love songs work just as well sometimes, but by and large it's the Beatles whose songs are a. Romantic and b. Actually really good songs. And good God if you told me ten years ago that I'd like a song because it's romantic I probably would've laughed in your face.

Cause the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

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Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Time:1:19 am.
There are definitely certain things I don't understand about being female. And obviously some of that is a product of me being male, but some of it is just that chicks are weird. I mean, yeah guys are weird too with all our SPORTS BLARGH TITS AND BEER crap but I dunno, I like to think I'm weird in a way that is distinctly gender neutral, so I exist in this really strange frame of mind where I don't understand men or women and I think that might be where a lot of my umm. . .Intellectually androgynous (?) ideas and philosophies come from. I didn't really have a male to look up to growing up because my dad was kind of an asshole and my brother was a total asshole (they're both ok now I guess) but still. I've spent pretty much my entire life living with women. I lived with my mom and my sister until I moved in with Maureen when I was 21.

I guess what I'm saying is that I tread this really weird line between DUDE and SMART DUDE.
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Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Time:11:40 pm.
OK so I just watched an Upright Citizen's Brigade show (not the show that was on comedy central, but a show they did for an audience in NYC and I guess they just happened to record it) and man. I want to be in a successful improv troupe. Well, Schlock is successful in a manner of speaking, but I want to perform in front of people I don't already know. I think that's pretty reasonable.

Kari's been IMing me lately which is cool. She's one of those people I met in college who I never really hung out with enough. And now that I think about it the same goes for her sister. I KNOW AT LEAST ONE OF YOU HAS LIVEJOURNAL. GET ON THE TROLLEY YOU FUCKERS. Anyway, she's bored and in New York (which is understandable because fuck New York especially if you don't know anyone there) so whatever. If people want to shoot the shit with me on the internet about music I'm always ok with that.

Hmm what else. . .Oh, The Wrestler won two Golden Globes and is nominated for two Oscars, even though it omg gives away the business. (spoiler alert: wrestling is fake) But now apparently Mickey Rourke and WWE are fucking it up by having Rourke appear at WrestleMania. WWE is like an abusive boyfriend I keep coming back to even though it makes me suffer through some pretty stupid shit. A rather labored analogy, I'll grant you, but I'm sticking to it.

Man I wish I had something in my actual life to write about. Classes started again and I had this one professor whose head was so far up her own ass it made me cringe. Seriously, I don't really care where you got your PhD or what super awesome magnet school you teach at. Stop putting yourself over and just teach me stuff. Seriously, she might as well have just whipped out her dick and a tape measure right in front of us. Of course this was also the same woman I had to challenge on the premise that it's unfair to judge history by the moral standards of present day, which basically means that slavery was OK because it was the 18th Century. Sorry but I think the people who were being raped beaten and murdered would have disagreed. I know they didn't have PhDs or teach at magnet schools, but, you know, I still trust their judgment.

I like that Maureen watches Superjail.
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Saturday, January 17th, 2009

Time:10:40 pm.
So hey since we (by which I mean I) are on the subject of inappropriate wardrobe decisions from pop music videos. . .

OK, so imagine for a moment that you are Christina Aguilera. Yes yes, take your clothes off and look at yourself. Get it out of your system. Anyway, imagine that you are her and you have this song about loving yourself for being a beautiful and unique snowflake. And you want to make a video about it where a girl overcomes an eating disorder and another girl decides she doesn't need to lose a million pounds and gay people kiss on a park bench and that's great. The song is about the same thing as the video.

But for fuck's sake, TAKE THAT THING OUT OF YOUR NOSE. And yes, I realize that this video is roughly five years old, but god dammit I hate the whole "The point of this is something counter-intuitive to pop stardom, but we still need our pop star to look like a sexy pop star."

At least XTINA cleaned up a bit once she started having kids, but I can still complain about her old videos right?

Sometimes I think too hard about the wrong things.
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

Time:6:34 pm.
OK so I realize this song is well over a year old but here are my thoughts on it anyway.

"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie is a really fucking good song, despite some seriously insipid lyrics. But then you watch the video. Now, the idea of the song is "I'm vulnerable and sensitive and I need to grow up" that's fine. But in the video she's parading around in a dress shirt and underpants. I'm not harping on it as a prude old person or whatever but it just completely takes me out of the mood of the song when it's like "hey remember when I was a kid? That was awesome but now I'm shy and need some time on my own" RIGHT AFTER SHE CLEARLY FUCKED SOME DUDE'S BRAINS OUT.

Of course, this is also the same ugly woman who makes a living by recording songs about how hot she is and how every guy ever wants to have all kinds of weird sex with her so I don't even know anymore.

So I just found out that this girl I went to college with is engaged, and that's cool and all but apparently my competitive spirit had laid dormant for too long and I started getting pissed. Not so much at her but more at myself for not being engaged by now because I'm pretty sure I've been with Maureen longer than she's been with her fiancee. Since when did I have these impulses? When did I need to be the first to do anything?

I dunno, when it was Brian and Rebekah that was fine because they were together way before I'd even met Maureen. Ditto for Alysa and Rick. But like, I remember talking to this girl about problems she was having with an ex like two years ago. MAUREEN AND I ALREADY LIVED TOGETHER THEN. Am I just being too slow at proposing? It seems like a good idea, but in my head, engagement=marriage=babies which neither of us are even close to being capable of handling right now, so maybe that's part of the problem.

I dunno. Every love song ever makes me think of her so I guess that's a good sign.

Also, I think I pulled a muscle in my side and exacerbated it at schlock rehearsal today. Apparently I can't stay healthy.

Man I'm all over the place today.
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Friday, January 2nd, 2009

Time:10:41 am.
SO HEY IT'S 2009.

2008 was OK. I graduated college, bought an X-BOX, wall street assclowns lost a shitload of money, and some black dude won some contest I dunno.

That was my 2008 Year in Review if you want more details ask me when I'm not words on a screen.

I dunno every year I have this thing of "YAY A NEW YEAR THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT!" And then I wake up the next day and nothing has changed.

OH! And what is this shit about a spiderman musical and why am I just finding out about it now?
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Monday, December 29th, 2008

Subject:A letter I wrote to myself
Time:12:44 am.
Dear Carmine,
Remember how you would watch George Carlin and Lewis Black and Mitch Hedberg and all those others and think to yourself "God damn I wish I could do that?"

You can do that now. But get off your ass and do it. You did it once almost a year ago and it went over like fucking GANGBUSTERS. So get off your ass, get to work, and do that shit again. You finally understand how funny you are and that people actually like you. You've learned how to be yourself and guess what? People like you a lot more when you're honest instead of trying to impress them, and that translates nicely into your comedy.

With regards to your conversations with Marisa this past week: Now may seem like a time to gloat at her out of spite about how much more awesome your life is than hers right now, but I'm gonna need to ask you to ignore that urge as best you can. You owe her at least that much. And yeah, you feel bad for her, but if you go back to being the spiteful bitter cynical person you were six years ago then it just shows that you haven't grown up at all, and we all know that's not true. Remember back in the day whenever Marisa would get a new boyfriend? You would act like it was the end of the world (partly out of bitterness, partly out of jealousy, but still). It was a good thing that was happening to her and you acted like a god damn child because things weren't going well for YOU. The frustration was understandable, but now you've got karma breathing down your neck and it's your turn to play the supportive best friend. I know you can. You learned from the best.

But that's all moot in the big picture. For better or worse, Marisa will get through this. Allow me to return to my original point. You are good at things. Things that, whether you knew it or not, have wanted to be good at since you were 11 years old. NURTURE THAT. Don't be lazy and suppress it. You worry about ever doing standup again because you haven't written anything since last year and now you think you're too rusty or whatever. Well, I can tell you an easy way to fix that: WRITE STUFF. You've already proven to yourself that Carmine being Carmine is entertaining enough. You have the raw material, now you need to actually create.

Finally, you've hit a bit of a rough patch this past semester. But for God's sake don't get discouraged now. Put more of yourself into your classes and the work won't seem so hard or tedious. Learn to actually care about what you're doing and just do it. You can get fantastic grades. You have before. AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOW YOUR GRADES STACK UP AGAINST EVERYONE ELSE'S. Yeah, you meet a lot of snotty braggarts in college, but at the end of the day, it's worth the sacrifice of a tenth of a point in your GPA to not have your head up your ass.

Well, I hope we can both learn something from this and I'm looking forward to seeing how you implement these suggestions. Let me know how that goes.

Take it easy,
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Thursday, December 11th, 2008

Time:1:26 am.

Short play: In the works. Almost done, actually.

Confidence: Somewhat restored

Thanks: LindSay and Krispy.

Will Post: Once it's finished. Maybe.
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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

Time:10:22 pm.
I wanna write a short play.

I don't know if I have the chops (i.e. talent) for it though.

And more to the point, where would I produce it?

I dunno I have all these FEELINGS and I feel like I need somewhere to put them other than the internet. I welcome suggestions.
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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

Time:1:20 am.
So every once in a while I post an angry, vitriolic rant in my livejournal which takes a lot out of me so I never have any steam for the next entry. But just so you know I'm still angry about a bunch of shit.

Like Bill Hicks. Look, the guy died and that sucks. But before that he was unfunny and annoying. And since no one liked him when he was alive we all have to canonize him and say ridiculous shit like "WITHOUT HIM THERE WOULD BE NO GEORGE CARLIN" which I've never heard anyone say but I would bet money that some people think it. Oh and he was on the liner art to a tool album. indie cred++.

Also college music sucks. I'm convinced that all these bands with their beeps and bloops and annoying noise which is not music is part of some elaborate prank because I don't understand how people can actually enjoy this crap. Whenever someone tries to make me listen to Radiohead music that was recorded after say 1997 I cringe a whole lot. Ditto for Sigur Ros, Regina Spektor, Feist, and Neutral Milk Hotel. Note: This is not the entire list. Sorry. I like my music to sound like music not talking with noise in the background.

And I'm sorry because I know that most of the people on my friends list dig all of those bands pretty hard, but that's just the way I feel.

One more for the night. I realize that as a Beatles fan I'm supposed to mark out hard for Across the Universe. I also realize that I did just that the first time I saw it. However, upon repeat viewing it begins to become clear that that movie was really just an excuse to give the Lennon/McCartney catalog a rimjob. Being a Beatles fan does not make you qualified to make a movie based loosely on their songs. And yes we get it the 60s were turbulent and oh shit Vietnam, but Jesus Christ, nothing HAPPENED in that movie. It was a perfect example of substance sacrificed for fluff which is why I HATE MUSICALS.

Remember that stuff I just said about vitriolic rants and running out of steam? Yeah nevermind.
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Sunday, November 30th, 2008

Time:10:34 am.
So look, here's the thing.

Nothing you do matters. I know you don't want to hear that because we love this idea of "well, anyone can change the world!" But in your day-to-day life, nothing you do matters.

And I understand that it's fun to pretend we can shut down Wal-Mart by not shopping there, but some people actually seem to believe that. Here's how it works, folks: If you have strong enough beliefs the ABSOLUTE BEST you can do is to live your life according to them. War, Wal-Mart, racism, and patriarchy have been here a long time, and they aren't going away. AND YES I KNOW THAT SUCKS SO SHUT UP. And wanting to get rid of those things is a fine impulse, but I really wish people would realize that, in the grand scheme of things, NOTHING THEY DO MATTERS. I can protest the construction of a new Wal-Mart with my pretty signs and catchy chants, and as a means of expression that's great, but it doesn't actually do anything. And when the store opens I can refuse to shop there, thus keeping my money out of Wal-Mart's hands. That's fine. But to think that anything I do, whether it's protests or boycotts or whatever is so much as a blip on their radar is audacious, egotistical, and insane. They will continue to see revenue that I can't begin to imagine and I'll just have to learn to deal with it.

I mean, I'm trying not to come off as anti-activism, but when you look at what little practical change is actually achieved by activism, you realize that it's really just masturbation. HEY I CAN CHANGE THE WORLD BECAUSE I'M MORE IMPORTANT THAN PEOPLE WHO OMG DON'T CARE!!! I WENT TO COLLEGE AND NOW I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT I DON'T VOTE (even though, short of running for office, that's the only thing I can do that might actually make a difference) BECAUSE ALL POLITICIANS ARE EVIL CAPITALISTIC SCUMBAGS! And granted, I'm just as cynical about politicians as the next person, but they're what we've got and short of violent revolution, which is a stupid idea and will not happen, no matter how much you might like to pretend it will, this isn't changing. Deal with it and get over yourself.

Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't live your life according to what you think is best. If you believe in something, whether it's an idea or a principle or whatever, just live your life accordingly. But don't try and push it on the rest of the world because you will fail and failure is a drag.

tl;dr, activism is a cute idea but if you think what you do as an individual matters in the big picture then you're so full of yourself that I don't want to be your friend.
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