Cold and Ugly (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bigmouthinacoma) wrote,@ 2008-11-24 02:38:00 |
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OK, so I'm kinda pissed right now.
I'm getting just a little bit sick of people not even trying to help with Schlock. And I think it speaks to the egotism inherent in performance theatre (as opposed to educational). I dunno. I feel like it's kind of audacious to be good at something and not want to pass it on to other people. But at the same time I guess education has that same problem. Who the fuck do I think I am to try and teach people how to do something that I'm apparently not all that good at anyway?
And the sad thing is helping kids with Improv Olympiiix was one of the things that made me realize "Holy shit I could actually work with high school kids for a living." I had toyed with the idea of being a history teacher for a couple years but it was when I started going from high school to high school working with these kids, trying to make them better performers and whatnot, that I realized I loved teaching.
And now I'm starting to doubt myself. I don't know if any of you have ever spent seven years in college, gone through three majors, two degrees, and an intense amount of self-reflection to finally realize what you want to do with your life only to come to doubt yourself regularly for no reason.
I dunno. Thom has told me more than once how much he appreciates and admires my enthusiasm and energy working with the Olympiiix kids. And he's one of precious few people whose opinion I actually value in such things, so I guess that's always good. But I'm finding it really difficult to not just submit to despair. No matter where I look, there's always someone better than me at everything. When it comes to acting, there's always a better actor around (although at times it seems like good looking=better actor in the minds of a lot of people). And when it comes to my history ed stuff, well, that's easy. There are about a million other people at CCSU who are doing it the normal way (i.e. Getting their certification and history degree concurrently, as undergrads, rather than getting a completely unrelated degree and going back for a history ed degree).
God I just feel fucking stupid right now. I feel like my entire undergrad career was just a way of setting me up for disappointment when I realized that I don't have what it takes as an actor or a teacher.
But such feelings are fleeting. A good night's sleep will do me a lot of good I imagine.
And maybe I should stop being a pussy and start telling people off. Just a thought.
I'm getting just a little bit sick of people not even trying to help with Schlock. And I think it speaks to the egotism inherent in performance theatre (as opposed to educational). I dunno. I feel like it's kind of audacious to be good at something and not want to pass it on to other people. But at the same time I guess education has that same problem. Who the fuck do I think I am to try and teach people how to do something that I'm apparently not all that good at anyway?
And the sad thing is helping kids with Improv Olympiiix was one of the things that made me realize "Holy shit I could actually work with high school kids for a living." I had toyed with the idea of being a history teacher for a couple years but it was when I started going from high school to high school working with these kids, trying to make them better performers and whatnot, that I realized I loved teaching.
And now I'm starting to doubt myself. I don't know if any of you have ever spent seven years in college, gone through three majors, two degrees, and an intense amount of self-reflection to finally realize what you want to do with your life only to come to doubt yourself regularly for no reason.
I dunno. Thom has told me more than once how much he appreciates and admires my enthusiasm and energy working with the Olympiiix kids. And he's one of precious few people whose opinion I actually value in such things, so I guess that's always good. But I'm finding it really difficult to not just submit to despair. No matter where I look, there's always someone better than me at everything. When it comes to acting, there's always a better actor around (although at times it seems like good looking=better actor in the minds of a lot of people). And when it comes to my history ed stuff, well, that's easy. There are about a million other people at CCSU who are doing it the normal way (i.e. Getting their certification and history degree concurrently, as undergrads, rather than getting a completely unrelated degree and going back for a history ed degree).
God I just feel fucking stupid right now. I feel like my entire undergrad career was just a way of setting me up for disappointment when I realized that I don't have what it takes as an actor or a teacher.
But such feelings are fleeting. A good night's sleep will do me a lot of good I imagine.
And maybe I should stop being a pussy and start telling people off. Just a thought.
